Dear Local Megamart,
I do not want to sound ungrateful. I am actually quite pleased that you’ve decided to start carrying Tofurky roasts (my favorite vegetarian holiday main dish). It is also rather kind of you to add the Tofurky to your list of items available for FREE when you are a frequent shopper at your store. This makes things rather convenient because I no longer have to go to several stores to find my coveted Tofurky.
However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share a few concerns with you about your handling of the new Tofurkys. Trying to purchase one from your store was a rather weighty challenge (not unlike hunting for actual turkeys must have been for the original Thanksgiving celebrants). First of all, please let someone in your store know where you’ve put the Tofurkys – preferably the people at the Customer Service desk. No one seemed to have a clue what I was talking about when I asked where the Tofurkys were. The girl at the desk looked at me like I’d just asked where they kept the jellied maggots. The look on her face as I described the Tofurky made it clear she was not vegetarian. They eventually decided that what I wanted was “Turducken” which is that totally weird Southern concoction of stuffing a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. Tofurky could not be less like Turducken if it tried. Three staff people and a phone call later and I was on the right track to the MEAT department to pick up the Tofurky. Meat department? Really? You know this thing is vegan, right?
Please note that the meat department is the last place that any vegetarian would think to look for a Tofurky. Again, Tofurky is not a Turducken (nor, as actually suggested by one of your staff, is it a turkey shaped lump of tofu to be found in the dairy aisle for that matter). Marketing 101: If you’d like to sell some Tofurkys to vegetarians this holiday season, maybe you shouldn’t hide them in the one place in your store we never go near. Despite looking up and down the meat cases (a task I definitely don’t miss) I finally asked a nice fellow in a bloody lab coat where I could find Tofurky. He pointed me to a small patch of freezer space where there were some green boxes. These were Turduckens. Luckily I persisted because behind the Turduckens there actually were Tofurkys. Maybe you guys stock your shelves alphabetically or something?? Or you accidentally over-ordered the Turduckens this year and are really pushing them?? I happily grabbed my Tofurky and got out of there before I accidentally ingested a giblet or something.
Please consider this friendly advice as a way to help sell more Tofurkys: Most of us who choose to eat them are not carnivores and aren’t usually browsing the cases of veal chops during each visit. Why not move them to the section of the store where you have other veg-friendly options? And please don’t turn up your nose at my Tofurky. My Tofurky tastes better and is probably smarter than your honor student. So there.
Sincerely,
A. Regular Shopper
Just Be Now 